24 Years Ago Today...

My mother died. It is hard to imagine it has been that long now and that I have lived longer without her in my life than I did with her in my life. I was 16 years old and a junior in high school. My mom was only 48.

She had her first major heart attack at the age of 42, when I was in 5th grade. The doctors at the time said it was a massive heart attack, and probably should have taken her life then. I don't know if by today's standards how accurate a statement that is. My brother went to her same cardiologist not that long ago, and the doctor said there is so much today we could do for her if that happened now. Yes, she was a smoker, and she never quit smoking. This was a huge factor coupled with some apparent crappy genetics, and probably crappy diet as well. Still, the death of a parent is never an easy thing. Most of this post will be dedicated to my mom, so if you don't feel like reading that stuff, come back another day.

This story actually starts on Tuesday April 27th, 1982. I came home from school at 2:10 pm. I only took six classes because I was lazy and had no intention on hanging around at school if I didn't have to. My mom was in the kitchen making herself a sandwich. She asked me to take our dog into the backyard and make sure he didn't jump the fence while he was out there. Dumb Irish Setters anyway, gotta run just to run. I offered, instead, to take him out to the nearby State Park which was just down the street. I was out there for an hour or so walking with a kid I babysat. We heard sirens wailing, and I even made the comment, "my mom always worries when she hears sirens if she doesn't know where all her children are." Little did I know they were for her. My friend had to go home and I remained in the park for a while longer. I finally headed home and as I exited the entrance to the park one of my brother's friends came speeding up to me on his bike yelling, "your mom is down! your mom is down!" It took me a split second to comprehend what he was actually telling me. I raced home to find out what was going on. As I turn the corner up the street the paramedic truck was there and lights blazing away. My heart fell to the ground.

I ran into the house and there the paramedics were working feverishly to resuscitate my mom. My brother Greg had come home from work to find her laying in the middle of the living room floor and called 911 and started CPR. They kept saying they had a real fighter and they delivered shocks to her a couple of times. Finally after what seemed an hour (I am sure it wasn't that long, but it seemed like it) they got a heart beat. We had to wait for the ambulance because at that time, due to some political BS going on, the ambulance had to come from Buellton, 23 miles away! Ambulance finally arrived and took her down to the hospital. We went down to the hospital and waited until she got settled into the ICU. They finally let us see her. She was hooked up to all the monitors and she opened her eyes and looked at all of us through her deep brown eyes, which looked very tired. She never did say anything, but I am sure she felt like she was ran over by a truck at that point. We stayed with her as long they would let us. My dad and I came back down later in our bus which was like a motorhome inside, and we parked it outside the hospital. We stayed there all night, when early in the morning someone came banging on the bus door. I never have gotten dressed so fast in my life. The nurse told us mom had arrested again and they did all they could for her. I think dad and I were both pretty stunned by the news. It is kind of funny, you think you are ready for it to happen, but when it finally does happen it feels like the rug has been pulled from under you. We went into the hospital and saw her. She looked very peaceful. They had removed all the IV's and wires from her. Then we took a long silent ride home.

Two days later it was open house at the high school. I was really excited about my mom coming to see all the artwork I had on display there. She had said she was definitely going that year. Well, she didn't make it that year, but I am glad I brought home one of the pieces for her to see earlier that week. I really wanted her to see it, and I knew there was always a chance she wasn't up to walking around the campus. It was unfinished when I brought it home, but it didn't matter...it was good and mom loved it. I have since sold that piece. I wished I hadn't, but you do dumb things when you are a kid. Anyway, I still went to open house alone. I needed to go. It was a kind of rite of passage I needed to complete. It was kind of surreal going without my parents. I knew dad was in no shape to go, and I didn't really want him going anyway. Like I said, I needed to do this alone. To know that I could continue on in life and take my position as a woman. It was a cleansing for me, it really was.

So, now I have memories of my mom. I saw my first issue of Playgirl with her at my side. We had gone to a movie and went to the Rx next door before the movie started. This wasn't too long before she died. I was probably 16 then, maybe late 15's. I was scanning the magazines and eyed the Playgirl and asked my mom to buy it for me. She looked at me very soberly, "I will buy it for you, but I want to be with you when you look at it." So we bought it and went back to the car and checked it out. It was some special issue and tons of photos in it. We laughed poking through that magazine together until we were practically sick. LOL.

I also found a picture of her not too long ago from a trip we took up to the Sierra's when I was about 14. It is a picture of my mom perched a giant granite boulder with a white sun hat on with magestic trees towering around her. It struck me as typical mom..taking her rightful place in the giantness of nature and competing for the grandeur.

She was a good mom. I miss her everyday. I do still cry sometimes, though I can't really pinpoint why. It isn't the overwhelming emptiness it once was...just loss I guess. Now that I am am a mom myself, I can't imagine leaving my children behind, which is why she must have been a "real fighter". Kids need their mom. No two ways about it.

So, last night was Lyd's open house. Oh what fun we had. The classroom was all decorated in fish the kids had made. Lydia was very eager to show us her work. There was a folder at each table with stacks of their paperwork. There was a coloring book they had done with sea creatures. Lyd's was sent home to be finished because she didn't get the last few pages colored. I asked her why she hadn't finished it and my little precocious girl says, "Oh mom...nobody is going to look at all those pages to the end, so there is no point of coloring them." I did have her finish it, but I know darn well she was right. I did manage to make the peanut butter cookies with chocolate chips thank to the recipe J sent me. Thank you! They were delicious and well received. The kids were beat when we got home and pretty much went straight to bed.

This weekend we are heading the miniature railroad! The kids are going to love it. They can have all the rides they want. It should be lots of fun, and I will definitely be taking pics!

Have a great one!

Surgery is done!

Roo had his surgery done on Monday. He did so well. I had explained everything to him and used a book of the ear to show him everything. He was very cool with it all.

We got up early and got to the hospital at 6:00 am. Uggh, that is just so uncalled for, I am sure of it. All you have to do is wait when you get there that early anyway. After all the insurance formalities and such we were finally sent up to the fourth floor where pediatrics is located. We were met by an extremely nice nurse who informed Andrew and I that he had to take all his clothes off and put on the hospital gown. She showed him the gown which was adorned with a large picture of Ronald McDonald and all his buddies such as the Grimmace (the big purple blob), french fry gobblins, hamburgler, and a few others. Now, I haven't seen hide nor hair of the characters (other than Ronald) in years, which makes me wonder just how old are these peds gowns? After the nurse walked away Roo, in no short order, told me flat out, "Mom, I am NOT going to put THAT on!" I about fell over laughing because he was so adamant about it. I know my son well enough to know that this thing was way too much like a night gown, and boys simply don't wear them. The nurse returned and kindly said to him, "your neighbor has one on." He agreed, but informed the nurse the neighbor was also a girl. In the end I won over and he donned the gown. The wonderful thing about being five though is that he no problem with his little hiney hanging out the back nor if it rose up high enough to reveal his "boydom". I have to admit, his little hiney was pretty cute in the gown. We waited out the rest of the time telling stories to each other. Finally, at 7:00 they came to wheel him down to the surgery holding area. I was able to go with him down there. On the way down I notice it looks just like any other surgery floor I have ever seen. The just look like a storage area with beds lining the hall walls and stacks of boxes with supplies in waiting.

We arrive and wait some more but with more visitors asking questions about his health, allergies, and the like. Anesthesiologist put my mind at ease when they said they didn't even have to give him an IV since he will be under for such short duration. I knew Roo wouldn't be very fond of an IV, so this was excellent news. The doctor showed up and had a little chat with Roo and myself and off he went to surgery as I went to the surgery waiting room awaiting the doctors call. After 20 minutes he called me telling me that he was done and surgery went excellent. He told me Roo did very well and had LOTS and LOTS of fluid in both ears. He said was crying right now which was normal after they wake from anesthesia. Sure enough I could hear him in the background, "raising hell" as the doctor called it. LOL. I went back up to his room and waited until he returned from recovery which was a half hour later.

He was still crying when he arrived. All he wanted was his mom. He was quite happy to see me, but was at the sobbing point of crying which takes time to reverse. I held him and calmed him down some and asked if he wanted to sit with me in the rocker or get in bed. He wanted back in bed. I asked if he wanted me to lay with him. He told me, "No mommy, this is a doctor bed, and no mommies are allowed". He is so darn cute. I continued to calm him by singing to him quietly (and he could actually hear it!) while rubbing his back. He was still doing the sobbing breathing, but the crying had stopped. Soon enough he was out like a light and drooling on the pillow. He woke again in about an hour and asked when he could go home. It was funny because his voice all very slurry which indicated that he was not ready to go home. He slept for about another hour. He awoke asking if he could go home yet. I told him there were three things he needed to do before he went home. He needed to rest to get all the medicine out of him, and needed to drink some water and not throw up, and he needed to pee. He apparently was paying very close attention because he rested a little more, woke back up asking for water, and went to the bathroom a little later. I was a little worried when he got up to walk to the bathroom because he became fairly pale and he said he felt like he was going to throw up. Fortunately it was short-lived. The nurse came in to check on him and he quickly told her in a very eager voice, "I rested a lot, I drank water and didn't throw up, and I peed!" She told him, "wow, that was your entire care plan! Would you like to go home?" He was very happy and we got him dressed which was a little comical because he was still a little groggy. We had a very nice ride home with a normal voice level conversation! It was so nice not to have to talk loudly to him and to have him keep telling me, "what, I couldn't hear you". Once we got home he was 100% back to normal. He wanted to ride his bike or roller skate, but I told him he may still have some medicine in him and that may not be the best thing to do today. He wanted to play with Shilo (his aunt's dog who lives next door). We brought the dog over and he had a grand time with him. We later went and picked up Lyd from school and the two of them played all afternoon until she had homework to do. Now, I did let him get a chocolate shake thingy from Starbucks. I asked if he wanted ice cream and that's what he told me he wanted.

I can't believe how much this surgery has helped him. It is amazing not only in his hearing abilities, but he doesn't talk loud like he did before. Also, one area of great improvement has been his attitude! He just isn't as irritable as he was being for a while. He would cry at the drop of a hat and lashed out at his sister quite often. I am sure the pressure on his ears was very irritating and he must be glad to have that gone.

Lyd's first open house is this Thursday. I am very eager to attend my first open house as an adult. I recall the only open house I was excited about in school was in high school because I had art on display there. But, that is another post for the 28th of April. I have volunteered to make some cookies for the occasion. I really want to make peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, but have never been very successful making peanut butter cookies! It makes out right mad too. I can make some killer chocolate chip cookies, but peanut butter? They seem to just end up being greasy blobs. Hmmm, maybe I need to just cook the hell out of them. Anyway, I am excited to see how they decorate up the classroom, see what work she has created and to hear her teacher, whom I adore.

I guess I should get back to work.

Easter, Spring Break, and Birthdays, and Ear Surgery!

Whoa, so much going on, I have had zero time to blog at all.

Easter was pretty good! The Saturday before Easter we did the egg coloring thing. Uncle Steve came over and helped out as he always does. Funny thing, last year we didn't have enough eggs as the kids tore through them coloring. This year, they were very slow, with many breaks in between to play outside. Now, this could have to do with the fact that we have had nothing but crappy weather, and it was finally nice so they took full advantage of it. Be then end though, they had managed to dye all the eggs, paint them, or whatever they deemed necessary.

Easter came. Lyd had a bit of a cold and was running a fever, so I stayed home with her while hubby and Roo went to church. Once they got home we did an egg hunt followed Easter baskets hubby actually bought at the library. It was perfect, there were books, little toys, and sparse amounts of candy, which was perfect. The kids really enjoyed them.

All this week is Spring break for both kids, and me. We are having a terrific time together. Roo has been a little uncontrollable with his upcoming birthday putting ants in his pants. It is a lot for a 4 year to handle. We have gone out every day thus far. Out to breakfast, to the park, to the kids museum and the like. I have also had time to tackle some tasks around the house. Painting the kitchen, as planned, is not one of them. There just ended up being too much going on this week for that nonsense. I have managed to get some stuff cleaned out of my office. I am packing stuff up to get rid of and some to store.

Roo turned 5 yesterday. He was up early instantly asking for presents. LOL. We let him open one to appease his need to shred paper. I about fell over when my husband told me what he really wanted to get Roo for his 5th birthday! He wanted to buy him a brand new 2006, fire red, Mustang GT! A real one! He just thought it would be very cool to get that for him, since hubby did the pre delivery inspection on it. He would store it for him properly, and take it out once a year on Roo's birthday, until roo is 16. Then it would be Roo's car to use. Hubby just thought it would be a really cool thing. He could also get a really good deal on the car since he works at Ford. But, alas, he did not get the car. He asked several people at work what they thought. Only one thought it was a really cool idea, the rest just thought he was completely nuts. So, that saved us $23000 dollars yesterday. LOL. I would have gone either way. I could see that it was something Hubby would have really liked to do.

Roo has appointments today and tomorrow for pre-op stuff. He is having tubes put in his ears on Monday for fluid in his ears that just won't go away. He can't hear for didly. I haven't explained any of this to him yet, but will do that when I am done with this blog. I had to look up ways to explain surgery to a kid without making him terrified. It helped out a lot. He may have to have blood work done today. I know that will freak him out, but he will do good I know. I know the procedure is very short and isn't too risky, but sending your brand new 5 year old in the surgery suite is still a bit scary.

We got all appointments done. Much to my own mistake though, they were both today, rather than one today and one tomorrow. We got home, kids were playing up the street for a few minutes until it was time to head out for preregistration stuff at the hospital. I get a call only about five minutes after arriving home informing me that I had missed Roo's preop appointment with the doctor! I told them I thought it was tomorrow, but can I still come in? I could still go so I quickly got the children from up the street, much to their chagrin. All went well, and Roo was spared having to give blood. I was sooooooooo happy about that. The surgery should only take 15 minutes itself, but we have to be at the hospital Monday morning at 6:00 am. I am so not looking forward to that.

Parent-Teacher Conferences and Other Joys...

Yesterday was parent-teacher conferences. Now, these are different from when I was a child. The parent had a set date and time to come when I was a kid, but now it is just an open window for parents to come when they can. They were yesterday from 3:30 - 7:00 pm, and this morning, 8:30-11:00am. I normally would have gone today, but I had an appointment this morning. So, I got there and had to wait as there was another family in with the teacher. It was a nice wait outside. I was admiring a nice eucalyptus tree just outside the school property. It gives nice shade to the kindergarten playground, but it would make an absolutely splendid home for a tree house. If any tree was designed for a house to be built in it, it is that tree. I will have to get a picture of that to post. Lyd is doing well in school and is on the honor roll again. She has been on honor roll for all three report cards thus far. I did notice that her work habits in class were downgraded from an A+ to an A-. Not a big deal but I did ask about it out of curiosity. Well, it seems our little miss has become a little chatty in class. Not much, but definitely moreso than she ever was before. Mrs. Adkins said, "oh those boys just love her! I have never seen anything like it in my 30 years of teaching. You will have to beat those boys off with a big stick when she gets older." Lyd's nemesis continues to be penmanship. Another solid C. She simply does not care to do it. We will continue to work on that, but there is no way she can get around it, so it will naturally improve during her academic career. Her teacher said she is really proud of her with how well she is doing. So, overall it was a short visit with the teacher, which is normally longer but there was there a line outside her class after I showed up. There weren't any problems to discuss, so off I went with report card and stack of graded papers in hand.

This morning I had, my now annual, mammogram done. I was running late due to several events of the morning. Lyd did not have school today and was going to spend the day with her Aunt who will be taking her to see that new dinosaur meltdown movie. But, I had asked Lyd to use the restroom before she got dressed. For whatever reason she tends to put this off in the morning. Anyway, she neglected to go, and right before we were leaving to take her to her aunt's house she had to go and didn't make it in time. I wasn't too pleased as we were right on the cusp of being late. We got her changed out and over to her aunt's house. Of course, then on the way to work there were several accidents which slowed us down substantially. I phoned the imaging office and told them I was likely to be late. I made it, and was just five minutes late, so that wasn't too terrible. Every time I get a mammogram done the technology seems to change. It is similar but positions change and whatnot. This has probably been the only time I have ever experienced any pain associated with the procedure. It wasn't bad, but I had never had any pain before. So, in the course of it all we got the pictures done and I was off on my way. I am sure all will be fine, but the tech did explain that if they find something questionable I will need to come back in for "close-ups". I don't really expect that to happen, but you never know.

I don't have any real plans for the weekend at all. Just the normal household choirs to catch up on. Oh joy, oh rapture! The kids are invited to a party up the street Saturday at the new neighbors. That will be nice for them to go to that.

'tis it for today!

Babysitting For My Kiddos

I can't believe it. I am actually babysitting for my kids, and they are only 6 and 4 (soon to be 5). I have taken over care of their DigiPets http://www.kidsonlytoys.com/electronic.htm (look at the top left) while they are in school. I told them I would. It is a simple little device with a virtual pet that the kids have to take care of when it needs something. Now, Lyd picked the kitty. I knew she would. Roo had a tough choice between the dog and dinosaur. He first picked the dog and then later had me reset his and chose the dinosaur. The kids keep them up pretty well by keeping them fed, entertained, educated, and healthy by taking them to the vet when needed. Now, it seems the only thing the pets do when I watch them are sleep and shit. The cat sleeps all day. True to form, just like a real cat I suppose. The dinosaur Roo picked, just shits. Every five minutes, I swear, there is a steaming image of turd on the little monitor that I get to clean up. Thank goodness it is taken care of with the push of a button and thank goodness there are no virtual smells.

Ah, the life of a mom.

Things you can learn on the internet

Yesterday I was really bothered by the Justin Berry story. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/12/19/national/19kids.ready.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5090&en=aea51b3919b2361a&ex=1292648400
I hadn't really heard about this story until yesterday. I guess I must have had my head in the ground or something. Anyway, I had been watching TV the night before trying to get myself drowsy enough to sleep (damn the time change anyway), when I caught a glimpse of Nancy Grace talking about the Justin Berry story. I was shocked by the brief snippits I picked up from watching for a few minutes. I can't take much more than a few minutes of Nancy Grace. Then on the way to work the next morning I heard a audio bite of his statement during congressional hearings. I was so piqued with curiosity that I had to do a google search once I got some work done. I found the article at the New York Times which made this boy's story mainstream. I was riveted in my chair while reading the entire article whilst breathing sighs of incredulity of what this boy had gone through from the time he was 13 years old. I could not stop thinking about it the rest of the day and felt nauseous all day because of it. I am not so naive that I don't know there are horrible people preying online, but I had no idea to what extent they went. I don't know what can be done overall to stop this stuff from going on, but I do know my children will not have internet access in their rooms. That was something my husband and I had agreed upon long ago, but this definitely set it in stone. My brain is having a difficult time grasping the mind set of individuals involved in this stuff. I just don't get it at all. They must be incredibly sick individuals, but it is a sickness for which I feel no empathy. All I feel is loathing disgust. Most of these people are persons you would not think were doing these kinds of activities. It is a very scary thought. In the meantime, my head is still spinning.

I had another internet epiphany this morning. I was thinking of a teacher/librarian I had in high school. She has since passed away at the young age of 54 or something due to ovarian cancer. She was always so full of life and fun to be around. I miss you Penny Hennessey. Anyway, that got me to thinking about this silly skit her and I choreographed and sang in the library for one of the teachers when he returned to the library. His class normally came in once a week to the library, but they hadn't been there in several weeks, so when they returned she and I did our song and dance routine. We used the wooden dowels for off newspaper hangers for our prop canes, and we sang our song to the tune of "Hello Dolly". We instead sang it as, "Hello Arthur", as the teachers name was Arthur. It was a hoot and the teacher enjoyed it. That got me to thinking about Mr. Hicks and if he were still alive. I did another google search and found that there was an article in the local paper just on February 8th about him talking with some students about his experiences as a Tuskegee Airman. I had no clue he was a Tuskegee Airman. Actually, it wasn't until just a few nights ago that I even knew what a Tuskegee Airman was, when my dad and I watched a story about them on the History Channel. It was an interesting show, and I was a little sad that I wasn't able to watch the entire thing. I came into about half way through. I had to call my brother Steve to find out if he knew about Mr. Hicks. He said he did and was astounded that I never saw the movie "Tuskegee Airmen". I never even knew there was one. Anyway, that brought back lots of fun school memories with Mr. Hicks. Now, I know when J reads this, she will differing opinions as she knows a different side of Mr. Hicks through people she knows. Anyway, I just find it so fascinating the things you can learn in less than a minute on the internet.

...And, it is NOT raining today! Hooray!

Happens Every Semester

Every semester, at least once, we get an email titled "Student Death Notification". Every time it happens I feel somber and saddened at the loss of life so young. Amazingly enough, I have not known any of these students, but I am sure that will change at some point if I remain in this job. The first notification I received in my first summer at the college horrified me. I had never thought much about it. Since then, there have been many losses. Last semester was particularly bad with three notifications and a staff member notification. Most of the deaths have been auto accident related, one was a student who had been punched in the face and died while in a coma, another one or two came from illness. It always is a humbling reminder of how quickly the candle can be snuffed. It truly makes my heart to think of parents losing their children so young. A pain I couldn't truly appreciate until I had my own children, much as I couldn't truly appreciate how much a parent loves their children until I had my own. These are the days when I go home and give extra hugs to my kids and never want to let them go, just so they know how much I do love them.

Have to keep it short today as work calls, but it long over due for an update.

M