24 Years Ago Today...

My mother died. It is hard to imagine it has been that long now and that I have lived longer without her in my life than I did with her in my life. I was 16 years old and a junior in high school. My mom was only 48.

She had her first major heart attack at the age of 42, when I was in 5th grade. The doctors at the time said it was a massive heart attack, and probably should have taken her life then. I don't know if by today's standards how accurate a statement that is. My brother went to her same cardiologist not that long ago, and the doctor said there is so much today we could do for her if that happened now. Yes, she was a smoker, and she never quit smoking. This was a huge factor coupled with some apparent crappy genetics, and probably crappy diet as well. Still, the death of a parent is never an easy thing. Most of this post will be dedicated to my mom, so if you don't feel like reading that stuff, come back another day.

This story actually starts on Tuesday April 27th, 1982. I came home from school at 2:10 pm. I only took six classes because I was lazy and had no intention on hanging around at school if I didn't have to. My mom was in the kitchen making herself a sandwich. She asked me to take our dog into the backyard and make sure he didn't jump the fence while he was out there. Dumb Irish Setters anyway, gotta run just to run. I offered, instead, to take him out to the nearby State Park which was just down the street. I was out there for an hour or so walking with a kid I babysat. We heard sirens wailing, and I even made the comment, "my mom always worries when she hears sirens if she doesn't know where all her children are." Little did I know they were for her. My friend had to go home and I remained in the park for a while longer. I finally headed home and as I exited the entrance to the park one of my brother's friends came speeding up to me on his bike yelling, "your mom is down! your mom is down!" It took me a split second to comprehend what he was actually telling me. I raced home to find out what was going on. As I turn the corner up the street the paramedic truck was there and lights blazing away. My heart fell to the ground.

I ran into the house and there the paramedics were working feverishly to resuscitate my mom. My brother Greg had come home from work to find her laying in the middle of the living room floor and called 911 and started CPR. They kept saying they had a real fighter and they delivered shocks to her a couple of times. Finally after what seemed an hour (I am sure it wasn't that long, but it seemed like it) they got a heart beat. We had to wait for the ambulance because at that time, due to some political BS going on, the ambulance had to come from Buellton, 23 miles away! Ambulance finally arrived and took her down to the hospital. We went down to the hospital and waited until she got settled into the ICU. They finally let us see her. She was hooked up to all the monitors and she opened her eyes and looked at all of us through her deep brown eyes, which looked very tired. She never did say anything, but I am sure she felt like she was ran over by a truck at that point. We stayed with her as long they would let us. My dad and I came back down later in our bus which was like a motorhome inside, and we parked it outside the hospital. We stayed there all night, when early in the morning someone came banging on the bus door. I never have gotten dressed so fast in my life. The nurse told us mom had arrested again and they did all they could for her. I think dad and I were both pretty stunned by the news. It is kind of funny, you think you are ready for it to happen, but when it finally does happen it feels like the rug has been pulled from under you. We went into the hospital and saw her. She looked very peaceful. They had removed all the IV's and wires from her. Then we took a long silent ride home.

Two days later it was open house at the high school. I was really excited about my mom coming to see all the artwork I had on display there. She had said she was definitely going that year. Well, she didn't make it that year, but I am glad I brought home one of the pieces for her to see earlier that week. I really wanted her to see it, and I knew there was always a chance she wasn't up to walking around the campus. It was unfinished when I brought it home, but it didn't matter...it was good and mom loved it. I have since sold that piece. I wished I hadn't, but you do dumb things when you are a kid. Anyway, I still went to open house alone. I needed to go. It was a kind of rite of passage I needed to complete. It was kind of surreal going without my parents. I knew dad was in no shape to go, and I didn't really want him going anyway. Like I said, I needed to do this alone. To know that I could continue on in life and take my position as a woman. It was a cleansing for me, it really was.

So, now I have memories of my mom. I saw my first issue of Playgirl with her at my side. We had gone to a movie and went to the Rx next door before the movie started. This wasn't too long before she died. I was probably 16 then, maybe late 15's. I was scanning the magazines and eyed the Playgirl and asked my mom to buy it for me. She looked at me very soberly, "I will buy it for you, but I want to be with you when you look at it." So we bought it and went back to the car and checked it out. It was some special issue and tons of photos in it. We laughed poking through that magazine together until we were practically sick. LOL.

I also found a picture of her not too long ago from a trip we took up to the Sierra's when I was about 14. It is a picture of my mom perched a giant granite boulder with a white sun hat on with magestic trees towering around her. It struck me as typical mom..taking her rightful place in the giantness of nature and competing for the grandeur.

She was a good mom. I miss her everyday. I do still cry sometimes, though I can't really pinpoint why. It isn't the overwhelming emptiness it once was...just loss I guess. Now that I am am a mom myself, I can't imagine leaving my children behind, which is why she must have been a "real fighter". Kids need their mom. No two ways about it.

So, last night was Lyd's open house. Oh what fun we had. The classroom was all decorated in fish the kids had made. Lydia was very eager to show us her work. There was a folder at each table with stacks of their paperwork. There was a coloring book they had done with sea creatures. Lyd's was sent home to be finished because she didn't get the last few pages colored. I asked her why she hadn't finished it and my little precocious girl says, "Oh mom...nobody is going to look at all those pages to the end, so there is no point of coloring them." I did have her finish it, but I know darn well she was right. I did manage to make the peanut butter cookies with chocolate chips thank to the recipe J sent me. Thank you! They were delicious and well received. The kids were beat when we got home and pretty much went straight to bed.

This weekend we are heading the miniature railroad! The kids are going to love it. They can have all the rides they want. It should be lots of fun, and I will definitely be taking pics!

Have a great one!